Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

The lights are on, But Nobody’s home.

I got a job at a paperless office.Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

“Wife is cute when she is mute” and “Husband is honey when he gives money”

Don’t break someone’s Heart, they have only one , Break their bones they have 206 of them.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I love pressing F5. It is so refreshing.

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

One day …… I’m gonna make the onions cry.

I don’t care what people think of me, atleast mosquito find me attractive.

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

My boyfriend has no idea how much i pray for him, his safety, his future, his everything.

I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems – the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me fifteen minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.  

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

People say nothing is impossible, but i do nothing every day.

Hey Boss, why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? They took a day off.

What is the best way to criticize your boss?Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.

It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.

Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.

Pain is temporary, GPA is forever.

My life needs editing.

Women have everything they want, and they’ve never been so unhappy.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

A committee is a group of people who keep minutes but lose hours.

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it. 

I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

What’s the best thing about teamwork? Someone else to blame.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.